A friend asked me the same and then some conversation about death and funerals and that life being reason-less with a pen guest got me thinking. All these topics of life being unreasonable led me thinking more, self judgement and self questioning on if all that I think is just incidents inspired acknowledgement or true learning.

I find it conflicting, to myself, the answer of if I believe in god. The concept of god, how do I relate with different perception of god as perceived by people, say mass. I can’t say I don’t believe, because I do,  I do have strong faith on the power of spirituality, but then I don’t want to preach it as a religious/spiritual asset because I am not sure about it, the god  concept of mine.

How to be fully devoted to a belief?  All the conclusion we draw from our prolonged thinking and analysis of the ongoing, conclusion that holds our emotion encrypted, bitter or blissful, our own experienced understanding develop into our abstract of life. But how strong is our abstract that stay stable throughout for longer life, for mine it is always conflicting from believing and then analysis and over thinking that leads to similar  conclusions.

But one thing is I am learning and stepping ahead with my abstracts. May be this is a right path may be it is not or that is  so indifferent that it doesn’t matter at all. But I cant avoid my own conclusions that have tried to heap into hopes to lead me to life.

God, for me is the two kinds, one the personified god, people , pleasing, pleading, praying god for their grace. and the one the ultimate, spiritual guide of our inner-self.

The personified god, mysteriously silent to whom I have stayed hands clammed in front, seeking answers, still inflicting still persisting asking grace and blessings, laying the shrinked  heart to heal, joining the chorus of chants trying to transform and nothing really happens til you wait your eyes to open to the change you want to see, or to the relief you want to bear.

And then apart from the personified gods, the parental protecting god, I feel the inner self, the master of you the self-you who is leading you to the life to a journey you wanted to take at risk of pain and sufferings, then for bliss of love and  sensation. That inner conscience of yours that guide you to betterment of yours. Thats the true guru of yours. I believe in that inner guru.

The self guidance to response towards life and its offerings is reflection of ourselves. So I want to keep it clear, and avoid the pollutants of negativity because melding the inner guru with impurity, conspiracy and evil works is such an insult to what you are. You are a god of yourself, a seed like soul of enormous potential to transcend into the enlightenment , the bliss of life the almighty have bestow upon us. Whatever happens in life is a journey. So we are just part of the happenings in life  but we ourselves are much larger than the happenings, our problems or happiness doesn’t define us rather mold us to better version, better or not I cant tell but to an experienced version that becomes our  learning . But often we don’t foresee it when the happenings blindfold us.

The soul relating god part is more convincing for me, and to restore that faith whenever it deflect I try finding answers on rituals, yes the pleading pleasing process but  asking  grace  for or stay sulking for all the unfair happening around, all I am doing is try to convince my own conclusions to be patient. May be endurance is not what we want to endure,but then we are enduring life in someways. life it cant be desires, the source of unlimited peace is not desires, nor happiness. It is just sensation of breeze that soothe you innermost.

One example I want to share,

For the earth, the new moon is a thin crescent in new moon day. But when the needed orbital distance is completed, the crescent seems bright sphere. And it is not that the moon has transformed, it always was a sphere, and just the time has let it under shade for the right time.  The moon reveals its hidden portion little by little until the Earth is ready to understand and admire the full moon. The orbital distance changes the viewpoint of Earth. Moreover, the moon remains covered on the due course of the orbital journey revolving round the earth itself, means, it was always around the earth just not foreseen by earth.

May be its same for us, the truth is under shade of our own journey and when the time comes, it will be revealed, but we need to have pass that orbital kind journey to understand the whole truth

People go after the sun

for the blaze

but have you looked upon yourself

you are potent of a Diya,

your own soul ready to enlighten

with wisdom oil

to luminescence of life.