In the new Year day, there in the bank of Gandaki, I liked the free spree me wondering wandering in the crowd. I enjoyed the company and conversation in the evening, and then the next day I was there in the river bank captivated in the sunset experiencing the vivacity of sky. Never had I experience such sun through my lens of expectation, and indeed it rejoiced me, with the fact that even ending can be happy moment.

In the journey back home, I made conversation on being neutral about the happenings. During the journey I gained neutral feeling towards moments and movements. May be it held my sensitivity and emotion then, still I was open, sad, happy, judgmental and everything but my inner conscience was neutral. I would reckon this neutrality towards my happy and mundane days rather calming than apathetic. Conversing about it to the company made me more assure of this neutrality to long last.

And then weeks later in the midway in the ditched road, the earth quaked and homes fell around. People were buried and beyond the dust cloud, things a moment before would now never be there.

In the two hours far from home, amidst the blood drenched pool and crying children and women, I felt the nightmare that I used to have of surviving alone in tragedy. It was shaking, I was shaking. The power of neutrality was not there and I panicked and cried and did everything helplessly. But Thank God I had my cousin there to hold me strong.

Walking back home through the debris, I couldn’t dare a step ahead with terror of seeing anything devastating. Reaching my village I cried.

Two nights passed with terror and slowly afterwards when people started getting back to normal, my neutrality again failed when I see what was now gone like many other things from my life.

The home that I lived and grew,

And my window to the bamboo

Are old ruins,

Dying with each tremor,

It stands in its pillar while I am helpless to take it back.

The aftershocks continue and despite it, life was gathering rot and ruins from the debris and Sun had risen like any other normal May Day. But then fate had desire to mingle and my cousin got married within a week. Here, the quake took my comforting company. I didn’t want her to go but I am happy for her.

With all the days and nights and happenings, living in the shocks and aftershocks, the tremors of emotion have hit me back to the neutrality but more apathetic than calming.

Almost a  month now, it is a small time considering the tides of change that have occurred. The Quake tested my hard earned patience and now even when I am writing this, I am impatient with the feeling of being left away. Where do I run, where will the ground be home? Yes, I also want to flee away far from this fear and emotional draining but then,

Will I ever be free from love to be able to flee, carelessly?

Why is love such burdensome but only burden strong enough to make you live? Helpless, weak and only reason! Why I felt so bounded, should I be loveless to be free but is there any comfort on such freedom?
(I should make a different post on this)

Three weeks from the earthquake, the evening is more depressing and breeze a chill of terror. My Bamboos are cut down and the window and the room and every wall lying there are my part detaching away each day little by little…the ambience of half fallen home is still a home, still a smell of warmth of my mom…and seeing it every morning and every evening and each time the weather hint the last year and years before that, I feel a tremor inside but being alive to see something die is another kind of living, again living like this every time is another kind of death.