Those tired smiles

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she would have

wanted to reap and show

all that she had,  even she didn’t know

things that over flew

Inside her,

it aches and bleeds

feelings,

if it only could be emptied

once, for forever.

the anguish of

hollow howls

empty eyes, can never smile,

never a tired soul burgeon life.

What have the shaking done

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In the new Year day, there in the bank of Gandaki, I liked the free spree me wondering wandering in the crowd. I enjoyed the company and conversation in the evening, and then the next day I was there in the river bank captivated in the sunset experiencing the vivacity of sky. Never had I experience such sun through my lens of expectation, and indeed it rejoiced me, with the fact that even ending can be happy moment.

In the journey back home, I made conversation on being neutral about the happenings. During the journey I gained neutral feeling towards moments and movements. May be it held my sensitivity and emotion then, still I was open, sad, happy, judgmental and everything but my inner conscience was neutral. I would reckon this neutrality towards my happy and mundane days rather calming than apathetic. Conversing about it to the company made me more assure of this neutrality to long last.

And then weeks later in the midway in the ditched road, the earth quaked and homes fell around. People were buried and beyond the dust cloud, things a moment before would now never be there.

In the two hours far from home, amidst the blood drenched pool and crying children and women, I felt the nightmare that I used to have of surviving alone in tragedy. It was shaking, I was shaking. The power of neutrality was not there and I panicked and cried and did everything helplessly. But Thank God I had my cousin there to hold me strong.

Walking back home through the debris, I couldn’t dare a step ahead with terror of seeing anything devastating. Reaching my village I cried.

Two nights passed with terror and slowly afterwards when people started getting back to normal, my neutrality again failed when I see what was now gone like many other things from my life.

The home that I lived and grew,

And my window to the bamboo

Are old ruins,

Dying with each tremor,

It stands in its pillar while I am helpless to take it back.

The aftershocks continue and despite it, life was gathering rot and ruins from the debris and Sun had risen like any other normal May Day. But then fate had desire to mingle and my cousin got married within a week. Here, the quake took my comforting company. I didn’t want her to go but I am happy for her.

With all the days and nights and happenings, living in the shocks and aftershocks, the tremors of emotion have hit me back to the neutrality but more apathetic than calming.

Almost a  month now, it is a small time considering the tides of change that have occurred. The Quake tested my hard earned patience and now even when I am writing this, I am impatient with the feeling of being left away. Where do I run, where will the ground be home? Yes, I also want to flee away far from this fear and emotional draining but then,

Will I ever be free from love to be able to flee, carelessly?

Why is love such burdensome but only burden strong enough to make you live? Helpless, weak and only reason! Why I felt so bounded, should I be loveless to be free but is there any comfort on such freedom?
(I should make a different post on this)

Three weeks from the earthquake, the evening is more depressing and breeze a chill of terror. My Bamboos are cut down and the window and the room and every wall lying there are my part detaching away each day little by little…the ambience of half fallen home is still a home, still a smell of warmth of my mom…and seeing it every morning and every evening and each time the weather hint the last year and years before that, I feel a tremor inside but being alive to see something die is another kind of living, again living like this every time is another kind of death.

 

Do you believe in God?

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A friend asked me the same and then some conversation about death and funerals and that life being reason-less with a pen guest got me thinking. All these topics of life being unreasonable led me thinking more, self judgement and self questioning on if all that I think is just incidents inspired acknowledgement or true learning.

I find it conflicting, to myself, the answer of if I believe in god. The concept of god, how do I relate with different perception of god as perceived by people, say mass. I can’t say I don’t believe, because I do,  I do have strong faith on the power of spirituality, but then I don’t want to preach it as a religious/spiritual asset because I am not sure about it, the god  concept of mine.

How to be fully devoted to a belief?  All the conclusion we draw from our prolonged thinking and analysis of the ongoing, conclusion that holds our emotion encrypted, bitter or blissful, our own experienced understanding develop into our abstract of life. But how strong is our abstract that stay stable throughout for longer life, for mine it is always conflicting from believing and then analysis and over thinking that leads to similar  conclusions.

But one thing is I am learning and stepping ahead with my abstracts. May be this is a right path may be it is not or that is  so indifferent that it doesn’t matter at all. But I cant avoid my own conclusions that have tried to heap into hopes to lead me to life.

God, for me is the two kinds, one the personified god, people , pleasing, pleading, praying god for their grace. and the one the ultimate, spiritual guide of our inner-self.

The personified god, mysteriously silent to whom I have stayed hands clammed in front, seeking answers, still inflicting still persisting asking grace and blessings, laying the shrinked  heart to heal, joining the chorus of chants trying to transform and nothing really happens til you wait your eyes to open to the change you want to see, or to the relief you want to bear.

And then apart from the personified gods, the parental protecting god, I feel the inner self, the master of you the self-you who is leading you to the life to a journey you wanted to take at risk of pain and sufferings, then for bliss of love and  sensation. That inner conscience of yours that guide you to betterment of yours. Thats the true guru of yours. I believe in that inner guru.

The self guidance to response towards life and its offerings is reflection of ourselves. So I want to keep it clear, and avoid the pollutants of negativity because melding the inner guru with impurity, conspiracy and evil works is such an insult to what you are. You are a god of yourself, a seed like soul of enormous potential to transcend into the enlightenment , the bliss of life the almighty have bestow upon us. Whatever happens in life is a journey. So we are just part of the happenings in life  but we ourselves are much larger than the happenings, our problems or happiness doesn’t define us rather mold us to better version, better or not I cant tell but to an experienced version that becomes our  learning . But often we don’t foresee it when the happenings blindfold us.

The soul relating god part is more convincing for me, and to restore that faith whenever it deflect I try finding answers on rituals, yes the pleading pleasing process but  asking  grace  for or stay sulking for all the unfair happening around, all I am doing is try to convince my own conclusions to be patient. May be endurance is not what we want to endure,but then we are enduring life in someways. life it cant be desires, the source of unlimited peace is not desires, nor happiness. It is just sensation of breeze that soothe you innermost.

One example I want to share,

For the earth, the new moon is a thin crescent in new moon day. But when the needed orbital distance is completed, the crescent seems bright sphere. And it is not that the moon has transformed, it always was a sphere, and just the time has let it under shade for the right time.  The moon reveals its hidden portion little by little until the Earth is ready to understand and admire the full moon. The orbital distance changes the viewpoint of Earth. Moreover, the moon remains covered on the due course of the orbital journey revolving round the earth itself, means, it was always around the earth just not foreseen by earth.

May be its same for us, the truth is under shade of our own journey and when the time comes, it will be revealed, but we need to have pass that orbital kind journey to understand the whole truth

People go after the sun

for the blaze

but have you looked upon yourself

you are potent of a Diya,

your own soul ready to enlighten

with wisdom oil

to luminescence of life.

 

 

such is life!

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Every spring fills me with hope but as my feelings remain already  forlorn seeing those wrecked peach and plums trees, I doubted my gist of hopes.

All winter the sight from my window, (yeah the same narrow window) keeps me lingering into the hope that spring will heal these lifeless trees with love and life but I find it hard seeing them standing despondent in the winter days, as if all that they had has been bitterly torn and left out. But they do relive one morning when there will be no frost. They get endowed with the beauty and no part of them gets uncovered by the feathery white petals. May be this is natures’ law may be this is hope but is such life?

Will life ever  be beautiful after losing what it had; do we get such fair chances as like the plum trees? We don’t know if there will be any spring to our winter. We don’t know if life will be  story of good times and bad times. I see people and families living the bad phase always, always living a hard life and I feel despondent if life will ever turn out like that of  deciduous.

The hard winter always ends with spring, it must be grace or just a phase, as I tend to embrace the warmth that I waited all foggy morning, I get scorched by the sun, heat too intense that I hate it, not knowing what was worst the coldness or the sun, I don’t know why we run after shade when there is sun and why towards sun when there is shade, but such is life!

A look Back!

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My last post was about disconnection with writing and, it was August, last August, I recall those 4 months of not coming here as to write but how same my feelings are still about writing, This still is the same phase of not connecting with words, I haven’t write anything as in like real writing, which as per is my talking via writing, I must have done some hundreds of pages with formal writeups and then some not-so-creative contents and yes entire webpages, but they are  banal, they don’t make sense to me.

And now I am here trying to sum up the 4 months of what happen in the gone 2013

  • Well i gave exam with such nervousness that i never knew before,
  • I made a taxi driver drive me inside Exam center because i was late for the most scary exam of my life till then, and being late had already worsen my anxiety,I stumbled upon and later felt relieved, that I could sustain 4 hrs of exam hall with some actual answer to write.
  • I now am aiming to major in same subject this year (I am surprised for myself)
  • All festival went usual.
  • Oh before that, my job ended on a mutual decision, but I have some grudge left
  • Then I got another offer, I took the project, paid the highest sum ever and then could not afford to buy my need.
  • I manage to buy my own ride, with daddy’s bigger hand on it
  • Birthday, I had to bear it this time as well, it was worst this time
  • I am losing heart on things that I always wanted to do, I might leave something soon!  A wise mind won’t do such stupidity but if you don’t have heart on it, how long can you persist?
  • My friends are finally anchoring to their shore, I am still sailing, I am drifting, or they?
  • I feel lonely many times, I don’t want new company/ies
  • I fear losing youthness!
  • Then I find hope, I see thin hope of me doing what I have forever wanted, I have strong feeling I will achieve my goals somehow, I feel so and then by knowing it, I also feel that all other things I wish to happen won’t happen, I just have strong instinct somehow, but I still pray those wishes to come true!
  • Today, on new year day, I learn to ride through the slope, solo..:)

clouds

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Up in the sky,

i saw a giant shape and then it was floating boat

They called it clouds,

I think it was cotton balls.

 

 

What I earn from my first Job

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I got a call after almost two year from my earlier employer today. I never expected it actually. I was  requested to drop in the office if possible and so I did .

There I saw that tiny room office  had develop to a new one, big one. There were new faces and new room (not cubicles).

I hear from my boss that they have gone international and are collaborating with big organization. As an NGO, the organization is rooting deep in its core issues and most of its’ work are being well appreciated in national levels. I really felt happy that the org has develop so well and I was once part of it but more than that what satisfy me was the response I got from the Boss. He and another Madam (A very strict and that means really really strict) thought that I was among very few employee that they felt as second generation of themselves and would want to have me involve in their upcoming projects. (huge ones..:P)

I had only worked with the organization for 2 months as an intern but I had done quite a bulk of work there. After 2 months they hadn’t offer me the job as a full time employee then even tough I had applied soon after my internship termination. And they say today it was only because they had no enough job for me then.

I felt really happy that I had been in  choice list of one among the most inspirational activist that I have known so far. The Madam over there is a big social activist in her native land and is a very professional personality. To earn the accountability and belief of her meant  a lot and a lot for me and moreover what make me really really satisfied was the sense of admiration she did for the kind of human being I was.

She is not a  friendly personality, not welcoming too, very work oriented, mission oriented, never buttery and very strict. Wining her belief, it felt like I earn something, something we all wish to earn from our jobs…

(Did it sound like a Brag, let me even if does..:) )

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