Musing over mundane

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As I was trying squeezing two pulps together hesitantly, inch away from my mouth and still hesitantly, I felt the effort my mouth is making to let it in, I put it, squeeze and contemplate in the tanginess, the differences of trying and letting it be.


It made me write, something I have forgotten for long. To ponder on why does it even matter. If I would think back, I have not risk a dime in life, but then I have risk enough of my age in expecting the weird or anything.  Expecting is risk too. But why does it matter, why trying gulping two tangy pulps matter? No, those pulps didn’t taste anything different to me, I didn’t overcome any hesitation. But holding those two pulps inch away from my mouth, I wanted to try, I didn’t wanted to accept regular habits to be as it is forever, for once , and for onwards I wanted to be able to do things in liberty. There are so many things that I do like I do and many lists of things I don’t do. And now I come up to think, after all these years these don’ts and dos associate as part of identity of our portraits to people we have come across in different time of our life. Those who knew me then can still find same traits in me, Dalli won’t eat this, K don’t like this, It is not her type, she is not that type. In these stereotypes, in their memory where I am type casted, I have taken it so easily as my comfort zone, something I have never willed enough to change even a bit. I would not try to change my liking, my trying and habits because I have remained as that Dalli who won’t eat that, who won’t like that, who won’t savor any tanginess.

These not doing and only doing have become comfort zone of habits and today I ponder about why coming out of comfort zone matter, or does it matter at all?  What is heroic about it? Because don’t we always push ourselves from one place/habit/situation to find a better comfort, mental/emotional/physical? So, it just makes us enter from one loop of practice to another and so on. And then may be, we have, or at least I have so much misapprehension about sticking to habits bound adamancy and call it comfort zone that I don’t, in real know the comfort of identity created by the liberty of choices and chances taken in leap of dare rather than faith.

But today I wanted to, easily change that and do it like regular thing, without making it a big leap of choices. I wanted to be free of my own traits and choices, of whatever typecast associated with me, interchangeably.

Stroll in stores

I was pondering about pulps, all the time I was strolling the nearby stores of my work place. It’s that kind of music they play in there which make me run away but I still go there just for the Marico bread and stroll.  I love to stroll naively in stores, section after section trying to steal moments to think of the “what ifs” of trying, buying, picking up china and choices above arguments, building hopes, homes, hims. Then walking out swift to rush back to present,

No matter how misplaced it seems, present is only home you have.

In array of the eateries, I have come to dislike eating outside now; my stomach seems to be in its process of developing illness that somehow, I feel will trouble me for as long as I live. It’s a subtle pain, that I don’t know how to explain, but I know it, and I want to make peace with it, hoping it will with me in return.

Then back in the Roads,

I ride aimlessly, and scared. I have not walk in a long time now, last time was walking to a school somewhere in hills in July. But I won’t call it a walk as I would call those mini strolls when N was around and many times before when friends were around. For a walk to lunch some days ago, one of the colleague pointed that I don’t have good pace to walk with a company, either I am steps ahead, or back, awkward for company to walk along. Maybe I am out of practice.

I don’t remember the last walk. But I dream of running away, always.


My hands are always cold, Acclimatized.



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These days, imagination seems more real than the real life..I feel perplexed many times  waking up and feeling misplaced, adjusted in the different room and different perspectives. Its been adjustment, after the year 72 that shook me so hard, I am adjusting my emotional aloofness from the supposedly closed ones to sediment and let me decant off translucent. I am trying.

I also feel mispalced,  finding myself in the class full of young students, (trying) teaching, I had  hold the  vision of myself being that confident, profoundly knowledge enriched teacher (female) in my high school days, I wonder if  I have become one, (less the profoundly enriched). But In the fifty some loaded classroom, I seek,  in the juvenile faces, myself , my mates, my age and my time, it pinches me somewhere and I feel euphoric in nostalgia, I get overwhelmed to see how far I have come, what have left behind, who are left behind. it aches and bleeds, to bid byes to the naiveness of juveniles.

But in beneath the adult apparel, I find in me the same myself. I love the ride, lot have changed, less have made difference, many things have been just continuation and surplus, and somethings will never be same again. But I feel I am always the same, from when I was a gauche teenagers, to whatever I am today.

Meanwhile,  I think I am in transitory state. I dont know the transition yet, But I feel I am holding a feet in air to  step  into wherever, may be there will be a destined path, may be I will paved a path, May be I will fly by. May be.

In the regular life, I have come to take things lightly (trying), and amidst everything that keeps happening, I only wish things become regular, normal. I wish normal days, even though normal is these exhausting series of boring days, occupying into minutes, among people in formal decorum, the professional becomes  survival when personal are too painful to think of. Same talks, same nagging, same complains and same lingering, that is job, but thats ok, let it be normal. I don’t have energy/excitment left for expectation to surprise me. I wonder, and to my surprise, I don’t want (can’t handle ) any celebration, It mocks me. I hide past everything that makes me visible in their pictures, and priorities. I thought it was painful to be alone in eateries, and now I sigh relief to find empty table, I sneak in odd hours for lunch just to avoid people. May be this is a kind of transition as well.

More you are edged, you tend to understand your real self..less hesitant to do what you wanted to do.  Its thrilling to come out real and exposed, Its better, to be able to be so, its hard and difficult and judgemental and everything but again in amidst the insecurities,

if your heart still holds desires, you are brave.

if you are true in heart, you are brave

if you feel right, you are right.

I am unambigiously right.

(I am trying to believe what I have written.)

And from all this comes the liberation of being yourself.  Contrast and Complements are only the adjectives, let me be noun. Realizing it is definitely hard, but  all I am doing is trying. “Acceptance” I need to try harder.

The bunch of realization (and this past year have been a year full of realization) becomes cumulation to conclusions about things we believe.  But to summarize things in simplicity is hard, often so much that I fail to persist on it. But again I am trying.

Somebody have said it so true, the most difficult part is to make things simple. To make things simple, one needs to understand the dynamics of every difficulties it holds. Life then, how much dimensions of difficulties to understand to simplify it. Let me try.


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I want to see

All that glee

So reflect me,

the best memories

of a becoming bee

Do you believe in God?

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A friend asked me the same and then some conversation about death and funerals and that life being reason-less with a pen guest got me thinking. All these topics of life being unreasonable led me thinking more, self judgement and self questioning on if all that I think is just incidents inspired acknowledgement or true learning.

I find it conflicting, to myself, the answer of if I believe in god. The concept of god, how do I relate with different perception of god as perceived by people, say mass. I can’t say I don’t believe, because I do,  I do have strong faith on the power of spirituality, but then I don’t want to preach it as a religious/spiritual asset because I am not sure about it, the god  concept of mine.

How to be fully devoted to a belief?  All the conclusion we draw from our prolonged thinking and analysis of the ongoing, conclusion that holds our emotion encrypted, bitter or blissful, our own experienced understanding develop into our abstract of life. But how strong is our abstract that stay stable throughout for longer life, for mine it is always conflicting from believing and then analysis and over thinking that leads to similar  conclusions.

But one thing is I am learning and stepping ahead with my abstracts. May be this is a right path may be it is not or that is  so indifferent that it doesn’t matter at all. But I cant avoid my own conclusions that have tried to heap into hopes to lead me to life.

God, for me is the two kinds, one the personified god, people , pleasing, pleading, praying god for their grace. and the one the ultimate, spiritual guide of our inner-self.

The personified god, mysteriously silent to whom I have stayed hands clammed in front, seeking answers, still inflicting still persisting asking grace and blessings, laying the shrinked  heart to heal, joining the chorus of chants trying to transform and nothing really happens til you wait your eyes to open to the change you want to see, or to the relief you want to bear.

And then apart from the personified gods, the parental protecting god, I feel the inner self, the master of you the self-you who is leading you to the life to a journey you wanted to take at risk of pain and sufferings, then for bliss of love and  sensation. That inner conscience of yours that guide you to betterment of yours. Thats the true guru of yours. I believe in that inner guru.

The self guidance to response towards life and its offerings is reflection of ourselves. So I want to keep it clear, and avoid the pollutants of negativity because melding the inner guru with impurity, conspiracy and evil works is such an insult to what you are. You are a god of yourself, a seed like soul of enormous potential to transcend into the enlightenment , the bliss of life the almighty have bestow upon us. Whatever happens in life is a journey. So we are just part of the happenings in life  but we ourselves are much larger than the happenings, our problems or happiness doesn’t define us rather mold us to better version, better or not I cant tell but to an experienced version that becomes our  learning . But often we don’t foresee it when the happenings blindfold us.

The soul relating god part is more convincing for me, and to restore that faith whenever it deflect I try finding answers on rituals, yes the pleading pleasing process but  asking  grace  for or stay sulking for all the unfair happening around, all I am doing is try to convince my own conclusions to be patient. May be endurance is not what we want to endure,but then we are enduring life in someways. life it cant be desires, the source of unlimited peace is not desires, nor happiness. It is just sensation of breeze that soothe you innermost.

One example I want to share,

For the earth, the new moon is a thin crescent in new moon day. But when the needed orbital distance is completed, the crescent seems bright sphere. And it is not that the moon has transformed, it always was a sphere, and just the time has let it under shade for the right time.  The moon reveals its hidden portion little by little until the Earth is ready to understand and admire the full moon. The orbital distance changes the viewpoint of Earth. Moreover, the moon remains covered on the due course of the orbital journey revolving round the earth itself, means, it was always around the earth just not foreseen by earth.

May be its same for us, the truth is under shade of our own journey and when the time comes, it will be revealed, but we need to have pass that orbital kind journey to understand the whole truth

People go after the sun

for the blaze

but have you looked upon yourself

you are potent of a Diya,

your own soul ready to enlighten

with wisdom oil

to luminescence of life.



Importance of weeds

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Today, after the period of sickness that have literally cocooned me in bed, I felt much energized to enjoy the sun in my front yard. While doing so, I noticed the wonderful little Godawari flower buds  have finally revealed their yellowish color and were looking amazing the bright sun. But I also found that some weeds have taken over the newly planted flower species in my mini yard (its not a garden to name it so). The weeds made it look messy and uncared. I went ahead and uprooted some of them, till I noticed some twigs of rose growing fresh amidst the bushy grasses. I had planted these rose branches months ago but they had turned dry and black and soon were dying. I had not even remembered them as it was same case always, all the rose species turn black and die in my garden every time. But this time, in shade of the weeds, these branches have struggled to rejuvenate with ultra delicate red leave buds growing from their nodes. It must be the weeds that have guarded these plants from the scorching sun and rain drops and it must be the same weeds that have moistened the growing ground.  It must also be the same weeds that could have snatch the warmth and care of the rose buds, and grew as big bush. But then it must be within the rose to rise above the adverse and survive from whatever possibilities the weeds allowed. It could be anything, but for me,  it was realization that weeds are equally important to let prettiness noticed in the ground.

And how well it goes same with our life, we take negativity and adversity a complete hinder to our growth and happiness. But without these unwanted weeds that life offers, we would have never understood the importance of hindrances in our path to development. There are weeds kind people everywhere, and we must have been weed to others but these weeds are there to serve a purpose.  As in normal cases, we could fail to rise from the hindering crowd of people, causes, situation and anything life puts ahead. But these weeds of all kind also help us in our senses to use patience and strength.

The virtue lies in persistence in adverse of time, that is how we win over the challenges, it can be only hindrances the weed offer, but it is on us to rise from it, then only we can realize the essence of a flower, of being a flower.

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